I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
