I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
