she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she peed on how many people?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
