I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
