Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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