Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
