Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
