my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
