the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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