i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
