You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
