I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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