I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
