and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
