Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
