you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
