I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
