Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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