Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
