i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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