Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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