Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
