god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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