Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
