My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
