How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
