I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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