You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
