next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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