The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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