i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
