Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
