i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
