First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
