If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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