Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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