3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
