If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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