I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
