Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
