I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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