I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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