I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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