I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
