your parents love me but you hate me
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
