Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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