You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
