you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
