OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
