Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
