Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
